I had this very strange dream last night. It was one of those stress dreams – you know the ones, where you are rushing or under time pressure or running etc. Well in this dream, I dreamt I stole a baby. It wasn’t someone’s actual baby but it was a doll that looked exactly like a baby. It was strange cos I also stole a laptop in this dream. I know I value my laptop more than anything and it kinda got me thinking why I would feel the need to steal a baby – even though it wasn’t a real one. Stealing to me is a thing we do, when feel we can’t have something. Like we want it, can’t afford it or have it, so we steal it. – my psycho analysis on the theory anyways!
I know for many of you reading my blog, having a child is the biggest reason you want to heal from Endometriosis. To you, that is the reason to do all of this and it gives you more motivation than anything. To me, having a child has just not been a massive decision to heal myself. I can’t say my life revolves around it. Thing is, I started to question this on a massive scale today…..
I remember the night I realised my problems down there were related to my womanly bits. I think I inwardly knew that it meant I would struggle to have a child of my own. I remember weaping like I had already lost a child….
Years later, I went on a course which my Gynaecologist suggested. It was based around the psychology of having Endometriosis and recognising stress triggers and how to reduce those. Though the course was beneficial from that point of view, it did leave a deep fear in me….
See, the thing was that all the women in the group were much older than me. They would share their personal stories about their struggles with endometriosis and most importantly their struggles to fall pregnant. Some had been through 5 IVF treatments and had still had no luck. They were genuinely torn up about this. Their whole lives seemed to revolve around having a child and everything else didn’t seem to matter. Without a child, their life was meaningless. I struggled with this more than perhaps I acknowledged at the time. It was depressing, sad and they all looked so hopeless and lost.
It is that time of my life now where I kinda have to make a decision if I want to have a child and whether James and I should be trying for a child. (we just got engaged in December 🙂 ) I am wondering if I have indirectly talked myself out of wanting a child as I don’t want to go through the struggles that so many women go through with Endometriosis. Like it is harder to want it and not have it, than to not want it and focus on other things. Perhaps I am protecting myself from the pain of not getting a child, even after all of the treatments I have done on my body. What if all of it still doesn’t work and I still land up like those women, waiting each month, hoping that their body signals that they are pregnant?
I am always saying to James that we should do as many things as we can, that women who have children can no longer do. Taking last minute holidays, taking up a hobby that requires peace and time – painting or pottery or doing the kind of job that we do. We run lodges in all sorts of locations around the world – certainly not suitable for having children. I also want to buy myself a 2 seater Cabriolet!
Have I just given up or is it healthier to move on and enjoy what you can out of life, without a continuous focus on having a child?
Sometimes I also think we don’t acknowledge the negatives of having a child. We are so focused on wanting a child, as the ability has been almost taken from us, that we perhaps don’t consider the actual choice of it all. Have you ever spoken to a mom of a new-born? Have you ever spoken to the husband about it all? It is not easy and it is hard work! Your whole life changes in an instant. You no longer have time for other things or personal things you might enjoy. It is a massive commitment and it changes everything else – including the relationship you have with your husband.
Perhaps I am just making excuses and protecting myself from it all or perhaps I am really finding a positive way to look at it all. A way that helps me look forward and focus on everything else that life has to offer. I know some women feel so strongly, that they adopt a child, which allows them to give a child a new lease on life and create a family for themselves.
I think I will just let the powers that be decide if I am meant to have a child or not.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this one…..