This statement has been sitting in my head since last night and it somehow really resonated with me. I was watching Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon and that scene just got me crying! If you haven’t seen the movie, it is really quite brilliant and to me, it reflected many things that we do in life, to protect ourselves.
I think it is easy to get caught up in blaming ourselves with endometriosis. We perhaps blame ourselves for leading a poor lifestyle prior to developing endometriosis. We might blame ourselves daily for not sticking with the Endo Diet and beat ourselves up about having a little cheese or chocolate or whatever. We get stressed out about food because we want to fix things, we want to make it right. We might blame our past and our present and somehow it is actually this blame that makes the whole thing heaps worse!
I know I often blame myself emotionally—like I am still holding onto too much pain and anger about the past and that in some way has influenced my endometriosis and prevented it from fully healed. I had such massive transformations when I let emotional pains go, so I can’t but feel that perhaps there is still stuff that I haven’t quite dealt with.
I actually did a really therapeutic thing this morning. I stood in front of the mirror and just repeated that statement to myself, “It is not your fault.” I did this over and over again—just like in the movie and somehow it really felt soothing to me. I felt like I could let things go. I could resolve that I am doing the best that I can and that everything will come to me, when I am ready.
There is often too much responsibility with natural healing. We often take it all on ourselves to heal. Though I am not suggesting this to be a bad thing, it can be incredibly overwhelming and sometimes even stressful. Because it is all on us, it takes our discipline, our effort and ultimately the results all rest on us. When we don’t have success, we start to blame ourselves, like we didn’t do enough or weren’t “strict” enough with the diet. It brings it all up again—guilt, blame and perhaps shame about our own failures.
To be honest, I have felt these exact emotions the last few days. I hadn’t even realized these emotions were going on, until that scene in last night’s movie. It was like it somehow came along, just to make me recognize that I needed to deal with these emotions.
With my healing, I have never rushed things. I have let it all kinda come to me, when I was ready. When I got stuck for options, I would receive an answer through an email or I would stumble upon the information. Since traveling, I have had to put my healing journey on hold, which seemed to stop that inner calm voice, telling me that “the answers will come, when you are ready and everything will be okay.” It created a horrible sense of pressure. Suddenly, my healing journey was halted and it was like a “healing” work pile started to mount. There were all these things I wanted to be doing but couldn’t, because I was just not in a settled enough environment to do them.
In a way perhaps my guiding was still happening—as I needed to watch the movie and come to the realizations that I did.
I believe that when we set out to do something and we believe whole-heartedly that we will get there that the answers do come and the methods come and as much as it is our nature to rush and push things, it is when we allow that trust to take over that calmness can once again prevail. It is only in a state of certainty and calm that I get the answers to so much of what I have shared on my blog.
I realize that even this feeling of being overwhelmed needed to go and for me to get back to recognizing how far I have come and how much I have learnt and that when the time is ready, the new answers will start to present themselves again.
I hope you can find that place in yourself too. That place where you can just trust that you will get there and that things will all work out okay. Your healing journey depends on it.
Find peace within yourself and recognize that you will get there. Your body will heal. Just trust in that. Trust that the answers to “how” are just waiting for you and will present themselves when your mind and body are ready. Don’t analyze the how too much. Don’t ask the why too much. Just let it be and let the answers present themselves.
Endometriosis is not your fault. Not its development, its sticking around or anything about it. It is simply through lack of knowledge and understanding and connection that we have developed it. It has presented us with a marvelous opportunity to really understand and listen to our bodies. Allow it to guide you. Just allow yourself to trust. It will all be okay.