I had a really scary realization tonight. I was sitting in the bath, my usual place of contemplation, and I realized that I have been completely numb the last few months since my dad’s passing. It is like I have been in a daze, not really here and somehow disconnected from reality. I have such a vague memory of the last two months and yet so much has happened. I have moved to a new job and have traveled down the country to get here.
What was particularly scary is that I haven’t cared about anything in my life during this time either. Nothing. I haven’t cared about James or my new job or even myself. I have been numb to everything. Nothing has excited me and the thought of doing anything has seemed exhausting and tiring, even boring. The worst part was, I didn’t care about my personal healing either. I just stopped mentally trying or caring if my Endometriosis would ever go away for good. I just felt like it all didn’t really matter. I felt some sense of disconnection from all of it, the Endometriosis and my research. It felt like too big a task and somehow in my mind, irrelevant. I know it is hard to believe that I would say this after all the work I have put in, but I had been feeling this for the last two months, without even really recognizing it.
I feel like I have somehow woken up from it all now. It is like I have recognized my “numbness” now and somehow to me this is the first step to moving forward.
I guess I feel a sense of guilt in somehow not really being true with my mission to find a cure for Endometriosis. I know this sounds silly and overly critical but I feel like I should be your voice of hope and positivity and understanding and yet I have been so far removed from feeling anything that I have struggled to really give that. Not just for you but also for myself. Without that voice of hope and positivity, a cure will never be found for any of us. This is definitely true!
The good news is that I am back now. Not all of me just yet but I feel my natural excitement for my research and my goals coming back. I have so much I want to do to help women with Endometriosis and I know this blog is only the first step. There are so many women out there, suffering every day with Endo and I want to show them that they don’t need to, that there is a better way to live!
So much of our healing happens through our mind and whether we believe that we can heal ourselves. If you wake up everyday focusing on how sore you are or spending your whole day worrying about your Endometriosis, chances are you will have Endometriosis pain within your day. If you focus your energies on feeling better, working on how to feel better and recognizing all the signs to show you that you are, you will automatically feel better. This is obvious but somehow very few doctors tell us anything to give us a sense of hope and belief that we can feel better.
I hope you wake up each morning and spend a few minutes reading my blog entries and that they give you hope and a sense of possibility. There is so much more to research and share with you, and I look forward to giving us all heaps more of that good stuff! Positivity, hope and a better life!